Part three

Hey buddy boo,

I hope you are adjusting to not being with us better then we are coping, i thought today was going ok, i really missed you but i only felt sad today and not upset.

I cant bear to get rid of you teddies and in my mind i imagine you still curling up with them, i put them at one end of the dog bed out of jaspers way but when i looked down he was laying with his head and paw on one looking upset.

I thought it must of just been by accident so i moved your teddy away but when i woke up again he was layed like it again, i think jasper is showing he has a soft heart. In the ten years we have had your brother not once has he ever wanted a teddy i think he just wants his borther as we all do.

That was untill i changed the kitchen roll tube and went to use it as a horn to make you come and get it to tear up as a treat, i took it off and thought bud would like this and then burst into tears, i dont think i will ever be immune from hurting from the little things for half a second i am not sad then i remember and its such a horrid shock.

I got worried last night when your dad came in from walking jasp, he had tears streaming down his face, when i asked him why he replied that jasp didnt know what to do on his walk he just kept looking around for you.

Was you there?

Could you perhaps just join him for the walks so he's not so alone? i do wonder.

So we set off for the evening walk i promised your dad i wouldnt make him walk alone so we both had company and jasp ran and found a large tree branch, he kept looking for you to take the other end once again bud i was in tears, if time is ment to be a healer then please let me sleep for a year as thats how long my heart needs to heal and the glue to dry.

Have a good nights sleep baby love you.

Miss you

Want you back home

x x x <3

Now there is only one. My first few days alone

Coming home to sleep and not have my two dogs go running up the stairs before me was gone now there is only one set of paws running up the stairs before me, so i climb the stairs with a heavy heart and damp eyes.

Getting out of bed in the morning i no longer have to scramble over two dogs legs, as now there is only one, funny i miss having so many legs on the dog bed below me.

So i open the door and jasper comes running down the stairs i await for buddy to groan from under the bed and sleepily follow me but that wont be the case for breakfast today there is only one energetic dog wanting breakfast only one.

I go to pick up the dogs bowls to make their food but i didnt think i dont need buds anymore now there is only one.

So many things were doubles that have now turned into singles,

I dont have a dog lead in each hand now i only have one. i dont have to carry two balls on ropes as theres only one.

Jasper no longer has to wait for his turn for the ball to be thrown as he is the only one.

So many things are only one, one set of dog toys, dog balls, dogs hugs and kisses, wet paw prints, barks at the door.

There is something that is not NOW ONLY ONE and that is my tears that i cant help but shed, they are more like a thousand and one everytime i think of my buddy, but one thing is for sure he was one of a kind and there only is ever one buddy.

Sadly this is how my life will now be as my two lovely dogs are not a pair as NOW THERE IS ONLY ONE

This is me

Hai !

thought if you were reading what i have put in my blog then i will at least tell you who i am.

I have loads of different names depending where i am known from but the one that seems to of stuck around the longest is lolly but many others have existed, melly /mello / mellomyst / inkedf / inkey / dougal and to name a few.

If you want to ask about any of these names ect them please comment.

I had my best friend put to sleep the other night and i was so so scared i would forget boo, and then my close mate Jamjam told me to make a blog, and there you go i have started a blog.

Well i am female as you guys have probably guessed and have many varied interests but the main one at the moment is world of warcraft.

I seem to have more mates online then in the real world and they are from all over the world and two of them are my closest and dearest, yes YOU Jamjam and Dammy.

I have gone through alot of shit in my life and since i feel i can write here without the shackles of my everyday life i will write whatever i please here.

well thanks for reading my dribble and please feel free to comment or ask me anything.

Take Care

Lolly

<3

Wish The Pain Would Go Away 2

Hey boo, seems i cant post as many lines in one go as i would like.

So i stood there and blew the bubbles and i tried to not cry and that was so so so hard not to.

I think i am going to start living in my imagination so i dont jave to be hurt and lose all those that are gone again, what do you think boy?

I was just thinking about the bathtimes of mine that you had invaded i will never forget the one that you dropped a muddy tennis ball into my bath, i threw it down the stairs and you came running back with it and dropped it in the bath and started drinking my water, you also used to like having your face washed with a flannel.

Do you remember coming up onto the sink and helping me wash up? i used to say common then bud help me wash up and you would stand on two legs tail wagging on the sink for awhile.

The last week of your life i knew something wasnt right when i cooked you didnt come and stand at the kitchen door you didnt want to know, you didnt want to walk down the stairs or get up but you didnt refuse you just got up, i am so so sorry baby i thought you just had a tummy bug please forgive me and i will write to you soon, love you with all my heart,

Love you boo boo

x x x  x

                                         buddy boo

Hey boo, i woke up today and for a split second everything was normal again, you were beside me asleep and the sun was shining, then i blinked again and my smile vanished so quickly, on the bed was only jasp lying there, the compainion you have had for the last ten years. i know you two never always got on and would often fight over my attention, i dont think he wanted my attention and hugs he just wanted to be the one near me.

I remember the day i went to your 1st home to choose a puppy, i sat on the floor and all these little furries came running towards me but one in perticular came upto me and it was you. i said to the women  what gorgeous pups you were and she said you were all adorable "you were her little buddies"

so that decided it for me you were buddy.

Growing up you were not a easy puppy, yes you were very loving and cute, but you did love your trouble, you used to take carrots and onions and potatos out of the vegetable rack and bite chunks out of them and somehow knew to put them back.Also your love for eating chair legs and drawer handles and garden statues did cause your nana alot of heart ache ;) but hey you were just so full of life.

I do feel guilty that i didnt take to you straight away i was very ill and i was missing your predocessor so much maynard was a hard dog to try and live up to. little would i know the day would come where it is you that a new puppy will replace. i dont want a new one tho bud i just want you to come back and not to hurt anymore, damn you have made me cry again and are not here to give me kisses when i ask you to.

You always knew when i was hurt boy you would come up to me all sad eyed and rest your head in my lap and try to make me feel better, you were the best therapy a person could ever have, if only you knew how much you had touched my heart and what a cruel empty world this is. dont get me wrong i still have you brother here old jasper carrot but we both know he dont like attention like you did and sadly will never have the same bond we did.

Lets try and make this a little more happy, i wanted to write this letter to you so we could remember the good times we had.

I dont want to forget a single thing about you so how i write this may seem odd to you but what a mate would i be if i forgot the simple things when we meet again

Hmm food....

You seemed to drool over many a food esp if they werent dog food it made me laugh to see peoples disgust at your drooling slobber but that was just you.

Cashew nuts were a favourite of yours i did try other nuts but they were your fav, you used to hear when nana opened the biscuit tin and you would rush into the kitchen in hope of getting one or two.

Ice cream was another of your favourites and you would eat it so nicely off the stick, you never used to snatch food or appear too greedy, you would even catch it in the air lol.

Baileys liquor, i remeber the christmas i couldnt drink my glass full in the morning and i gave it to you, for the rest of your life on christmas day you would have a glass of baileys you seemed to really lap it up.

Do you remeber the choclate liquors that we ate in my bedroom, i used to have to drink the alcohol out of them and toss you the chocolate not that you minded. you would of eaten things from between my lips and not cared.

Daddy reminded me the other day of when you cassie him and me went to bourmouth and while he was having a wee in the pier toilets we ate the whole bag of candyfloss he was only gone 2 mintues haha. but then you always loved candyfloss since you were a little pup.

I am trying to think of more food things but i cant if i do i will have to jot them down elsewhere sorry handsome baby <3

Sleeping

Here was a hobbie you liked too much, i could never get you out of bed before 10:30am if i called you i would hear a wag of a tail and a groan as if to say no thanks mum i will wait here a little bit, you even went through a stage of taking yourself to bed. altho i dont know why but lately you wouldnt go up to the comfort of bed you wanted to stay down here by the pcs on the tiles till we went to bed, damn how i miss you boy.

I was just thinking you know after neil left us and you were only a pup and you started sleeping in my bed, you used to put your head on your pillow and lay out like a human on its side i used to spoon into you from behind pull the duvet around us and we would sleep. Thats why i think thats why we laid like that when you took your last sleepy times at the vet, i didnt care that we were on hard lino and curled on the floor together nor did you care, we laid curled together while the vet gave you the injection to help take your pain away. your head was on my hand your body curled into mine. i know nana and daddy wanted a last sroke but as ever you know i was hurting and i needed my buddy boo. you put your head on my hand and we stayed curled up, i could see you had enough of being in pain and this world handsome and i forgive you for going it was your time to go, i hope you forgive me for not realising before now that you were ready.i will never forget feeling the life slip away from you as i stroked you. when the vet confirmed you were gone you were still warm where my arm had been around you, i wanted to believe you were still there but i know you had gone for your last sleep baby.

Do you remeber when your daddy started to sleep over and you used to jump in bed between us and push against him in the night trying to get him out of bed? sadly those times ended when we got a new bed but you had your own duvet on the floor and i would often lay on it with you. that reminded me of when you used to sniff my hair and remove my hair toggles i dont know if it was beacuse it smelt of me or you liked the easy found toy. you pulled it so gently out of my hair i never used to feel a thing. sometimes you had to undo the toggle a few times before it came out but you done it slowly and gently as always.

Toys

Boy this is a subject eh?

you had a few different teddies, the brown one in this picture

He was your favourite, you had him since you were born and apart from eating his nose off when you were little he stood the test of time. you loved him you had sex with him (him to me prob her to you lol)

You would shake him around like a rag dog and then you would lick him clean all over then make love, after you would flop on your side like in the picture and your paw would gently nudge him like stroking him till you fell asleep.

You also had a bunny and the big white polar bear and a few little ones, you never once stole my teddies nor bit or chewed them you were such a good boy.sometimes in the morning when i called you teddy had to come too and you wouldnt gently wrap your teeth around him and carry him down. at the end of the day i would tell you to bring teddy upstairs to bed and you would go and get him and carry him back upstairs to bed.

If only you knew how much this is hurting to write this letter to you i am trying to not cry baby and i have shed many many many tear over you and have took you having to go so badly, i hope you are up there keeping all my loved ones safe and waiting at the bridge for me to return.

Travelling

Everytime we walked past the bridge on the way home from our walks you would give a hard tug just hoping we were catching the train down to see cassie. Thats what we always called going down to see your nan and granddad and you knew straight away by putting your ears up and cocking your head.

When we were getting ready you would cry and pace, i even used to pack teddy to start with but was worried your games of tug of war with your grandad would kill teddy and i know how much you loved ted.

I will never forget our last trip to see inlaws,you tried to stick your head out of the window all the way, when we got there you jumped out of the car as always and ran staright indoors to explore. you didnt seem to like the car stopping for traffic and would cry and cry till it started again, i think you were looking for woo woos but never saw any.

You had some good times on the heath and on the last visit i am so glad i gave you one last time up there you ran off ahead then came back to see why i had stopped, you ran in and out of the woods and chased sticks and drank from the puddles as the sun shone on us

I cant remember what other walks we had on that holiday

but i know you had a few to the park too. boy we have had some funny walks i wont forget the one where you jumped in the river to only try and get out the otherside and got scared as the log near the bank moved when you stood on it so you cried and wouldnt get out, your dad had to walk back half a mile and climb over a bride that had no path and ripped his jeans just to get on the same side as you, i felt so lost while i waited for you boy.

Then there was that walk on the beach the one where you had a frisbee and when i threw it you couldnt get it out of the sand it was funny to watch you dig away at it frantically.You did love your beach walks and the water altho you were not very keen on being washed after you rolled in something

You were such a good dog Never Ever did you bare your teeth at me or cause me any harm i know i hurt you in anger sometimes and i am so so truly sorry and yes i was ill but that dont stop me feeling bad, and thankyou my friend for always forgiving me, your love was unconditional.

People

You were the best ever dog to me and never did anything to hurt me i wont say that was always the case i will never forget that time you met the asain lad in the street and decided to have a taste of him as he done star jumps in the air i did try to tell him to stop.

No harm was done and i got you to let ago unlike the lad you bit a few months ago, that was not good baby, you did hurt him alot and for how much i told you off after i am truly sorry and i will always live with the guilt of that but i thought i was going to lose you baby and i was so so so so scared as you mean the world to me, but thinking about it now i dont think you were yourself we didnt know you were ill or what was happening to you. you will always be the best dog in my eyes,

Saying that you also didnt like alot of people i dont think uncle gary will ever get over you trying to give him a face lift he wasnt to know you didnt like men right up in your face i know you would let me do anything to you boo and i trusted you with my life.Train guards were also a challenge but that didnt stop you enjoying your walk down the train with me with your tail held up high as we went to the toilet or the onboard shop.

Wish i didnt feel so sad at the moment bud, you were my everything and i miss you so so so much i feel like my heart has been through the shredder i keep hoping you will come visit me or i will see you in my dreams but for a long time my dreams have only ever been nightmares, when you read this baby if you want to come and jump on the bed or have a roll on it like you used to when i just made it please do so, when i went to bed last night i imagined we were laid like in the vets and how we used to sleep with my arm draped around you.

I know you are missing me too my precious baby buddy boo, and please stay strong and wait at the bridge for me. as i promise with all my heart i will come and be with you one day my time isnt yet and i hope time dont seem like forever till you see me again as i know it will feel like a thousand life times for me.

Good night my darling buddy boo my handsome chap, my best friend, my loyal protector, my hand holder in scary situations and my best ever secret holder.

I miss you so so much and every minute feels like a cruel joke that is about to end.

Sleep Well Handsome

x xx x x x  x x

Hello handsome, i was thinking of you today, i was cleaning up the garden after jasper and i caught myself smiling imagining you stood infront of me wagging your tail panting watching me.

I never understood why you wanted so stand down the garden while i cleaned up poo but i think it was the little moments together like that which we will remember.

That reminds me i was baking today and it felt so weird to not have you stood in the doorway drooling and waiting for the bowl and whisk, you always seemed to drool and go into a state of euphoria as you lick each item clean.

 Then as i was in the garden it reminded me of the times we shared blowing bubbles.I would blow them and you would frantically chase them around the garden, which we still done on your last day here.

Today i stood in the garden and blew some bubbles upto you, i hope you caught them baby boo as i tried to make sure they didnt pop